Title: May the Force Be With You
Fandom: Arashi
Chapters: 1/2
Character(s), Pairing(s): cast, no pairings
Rating: T
Warnings: Why can I write nothing serious for this fandom? This is funnier if you have a working knowledge of Star Wars.


A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Sith Lord named Darth Iniquity. He was very, very evil.
He was also very sarcastic, and a bit obsessed with money, but people tended to overlook these facts because they were usually overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of his wickedness.
He was so brave, he didn't even bother to let the Wookiee win.
No one knew who he was before he became a Sith Lord, but there were rumors that his name, prior to losing him to darkness, was Ninomiya.

Darth Iniquity had an apprentice named Darth Fabulous.
Darth Fabulous was evil as well, but because of his decidedly non-evil sounding name, people tended to not take him very seriously, which sometimes worked to his advantage.
Together, these two nefarious Siths wrecked havoc on the galaxy and made good, law-abiding citizens tremble in their boots.

Until one day, when the Fates aligned together, and brought news of Darth Iniquity's despicable deeds to a Jedi Knight named Satoshi...

"I'm confused," Jedi Knight Satoshi said, standing in the middle of the Jedi Council (the circular set-up made it very difficult to see everyone at once, and he was convinced that whoever was facing his back was making faces at him). "Why do I have to go and stop Darth Iniquity?"

"Because he is evil," Mace Windu said, as if it were terribly obvious.

"But what evil things has he done?" Satoshi asked.

"Very evil things," Master Yoda chimed in.

"I need some specifics," Satoshi said, frowning. "Why can't I just go back to monitoring the Kessel Run?"

"Darth Iniquity is an abomination to the Force!" Mace Windu said. "He uses the Force for his own personal gain, to the ruin of those around him who happen to like games of chance."

Satoshi was silent for a long moment.

"So, he's a swindler?" he asked.

"Evil he is!" Master Yoda said, shaking his head.

"He cheats at cards," Satoshi dead-panned. "Really? You brought me here to catch a thief?"

Mace Windu at least had the good sense to look a bit abashed. He fidgeted in his seat, staring at the Jedi Knight behind Satoshi (who was no doubt sticking his tongue out).

"I... might owe him a great deal of money," he mumbled into his hand.

"Are Jedi Knights allowed to play cards?" Satoshi wondered aloud.

"Look, the point is that he's very evil," said a Jedi Knight who had no name, because he was not nearly important enough to be remembered in history books. "And we are sending you to defeat him."

It appeared that Satoshi did not have much choice in the matter, unless he wanted to go against the Jedi Council (which he didn't, because their staff meetings always had an excellent bagel spread, and he was really quite attached to them), so he just sighed, and resigned himself to his fate.


"Darth Fabulous!" Darth Iniquity screeched, voice reverberating through the hallways. "Darth Fabulous!"

When three seconds passed, and he did not hear the familiar clicking noise of his apprentice's slightly heeled boots, he tried again, louder this time.

"DARTH FABULOUS!"

"I heard you the first time," his apprentice said, walking into his all-black chambers (it had taken a long time to convince the decorators that black carpet really was what he wanted, and in the end, it took some force-choking to get the job done).

"Finally," Darth Iniquity huffed. "Why are you never around when I need you? I sensed a disturbance in the Force."

"Just now?" Darth Fabulous asked. "That was just a minor earthquake. We're on Hoth; the plate tectonics aren't very stable here, you know."

"Shut up," Darth Iniquity said, chucking some Force lightning in his direction. "I know what I felt. That stupid Jedi Council is sending a Jedi Knight after us."

"Ugh," Darth Fabulous sniffed disdainfully. He flopped down onto one of the leather loveseats positioned near the wall. "Why can't the Council look into adding color to their wardrobes? Their palette is so last-century."

Darth Iniquity spun in his chair (which had been specially ordered from Corellia to look like the head of a rancor- spared no expense, and had to be delivered via smugglers just to avoid being seen by the goody-two-shoes Imperial Senate blockades).

"Silence, fool!" he shouted. The chair spun a bit too far; the left joystick needed to be oiled again. "Just be ready! They will try some stupid trick to catch us off-guard that will never work."

"Except it will, because we'll overlook some tiny but critical flaw that they cleverly exploit?" Darth Fabulous added.

"Hmm," Darth Iniquity mused, frowning. "I think you might be right. Go and find the detailed tech reports for this base that include all the insignificant weaknesses we are supposed to ignore. Maybe we can stay one step ahead of the Council, this time."

Darth Fabulous nodded with a roll of his eyes, and started out of the room.

"And for the last time, change your name!" Darth Iniquity yelled. "I feel my IQ lowering every time I call for you!"


The next day, at the regularly scheduled staff meeting (half hour later than usual, because the Younglings got a little too into their lightsaber practice and ended up slicing off the instructor's hand again), Satoshi was happily sampling the cream cheese platter when there was a tap on his shoulder.

"Hello!" came a rather enthusiastic voice. "Are you Satoshi?"

Satoshi, mouth full of pastry, just pointed down to his nametag ('Hello, my name is Jedi Knight Satoshi') as an affirmative.

"Oh, good!" the creepily cheerful newcomer chirped. "I'm your new apprentice!"

"What?" Satoshi choked, because he hadn't heard anything about this. The newcomer took the opportunity to drag him over to Mace Windu, who was just finished up his croissant. He eyed Satoshi warily.

"Are you ready to depart today?" he asked, and Satoshi had trouble swallowing the last of his breakfast.

"No," he said, when he'd finally stopped hacking. "What is this about having an apprentice?"

"You have two," Mace Windu said. His eyebrows were very high on his forehead. "We are sending them with you to defeat Darth Iniquity. Didn't you get the memo?"

"No," Satoshi said again, aware that he sounded a bit like he was whining.

"I had them deliver it to your Jedi Temple Mailbox," Mace Windu said, one finger on his chin.

"I always forget to check that," Satoshi mumbled to himself, smacking his forehead lightly.

"Anyway," Satoshi's new 'apprentice' said, happily, "we're going with you!"

"What's your name?" Satoshi asked, and then, upon spinning around to make sure that there was no other overly enthusiastic Padawan standing behind him, added, "and where's the other one?"

"I'm Aiba," the apprentice announced. "The other one is Sho- but he had a little trouble this morning in the hangar bay with the X-Wing he was practicing piloting on, and is getting patched up in the Bacta Tank right now."

Satoshi stared at him, and then at Mace Windu, and then at Yoda, who had appeared at some point during the conversation too silently for anyone's liking, and then at the Jedi Knight on the Council who had no name.

"Great," he dead-panned.

"Another bagel?" Aiba offered. Satoshi was tempted to turn it down, but it had the onion cream cheese on it he liked so well, and since he was probably going to die, he figured he should enjoy all the small pleasures he had left.


Darth Iniquity slammed his hands down on the table with such force it nearly tipped over his coffee cup on the other side.

"This is ridiculous!" he seethed. "There are hundreds of small but definite holes in our security that they could exploit! How are we supposed to keep them all guarded? Who BUILT this place?!"

"You did," Darth Fabulous pointed out.

"We can't do this with our limited resources!" Darth Iniquity continued, ignoring his apprentice. "I've only got fourteen stormtroopers left!"

Darth Fabulous coughed on his herbal tea, hitting his chest until the wheezing subsided.

"I thought we had seventeen!" he cried.

"Well," Darth Iniquity started, carefully looking in the other direction to the snowmen built outside in the shape of Ewoks. "Three of them... annoyed me."

"Okay, seriously," Darth Fabulous fumed, "you can't keep killing stormtroopers when they do something that displeases you. This is why we only have fourteen left."

"They're all so stupid," Darth Iniquity whined, falling into his rancor-chair again and looking despondently down at all the red circles on the schematics of the base.

"They're clones," Darth Fabulous said. "Of course they're stupid."

"Fetch me my blaster-simulation training," Darth Iniquity ordered. "I want to kill things."

Darth Fabulous crossed the room, grabbing the hand-held game set, and eyed him before handing it over.

"As long as you don't get any more droids to reprogram it so you can use it on unsuspecting womp-rats again," he warned.

"Go away," Darth Iniquity muttered, hands flying over the controls. He'd think about the loopholes in security later.


"Oh, boy, I'm so excited," Aiba said, staring down at the lightsaber in his hands. Satoshi had tried to tell the Jedi Council that he really didn't think his Padawans should be in possession of deadly weapons, but as per usual, no one had really listened to him. "Do you think we'll have epic battles with these?"

"No," Satoshi said.

"Why not?" his other apprentice, Sho (who looked a bit worse for the wear and was still sporting a bandage on his left shoulder) asked. Satoshi tried not to read into the fact that he was given a pre-damaged apprentice as the Council fully expecting him to not make it back from this mission. Suddenly, the spice mines were looking a lot more inviting than he remembered them being.

"I don't think it's considered epic if you die within five seconds," Satoshi said, shrugging. He switched on the main power couplings, and then the hyperdrive engine.

"Five seconds?" Sho asked, eyes wide.

"Oh, I'd last at least ten," Aiba scoffed, hooking the lightsaber to his belt. "And I'd take one of his arms with me."

"Wait, no one said anything about dismemberment," Sho said, looking like he very much wanted to get off the ship. Satoshi started the engines, and the thrusters sputtered to life, and they took off from the docking bay and into the inky blackness of the stars beyond Coruscant.

Satoshi set the controls on auto-pilot, and then turned to look at his apprentices. Sho appeared very green.

"This might be a bad time to mention that I'm afraid of heights," he stammered, eyes pinched tightly shut.

"Can't you just use the Force to get rid of your fear?" Aiba asked. He leaned in closer, poking at Sho like he was an experiment to be studied.

"I don't think it works like that," Satoshi said.

"Why not?" Aiba asked. He cocked his head to one side. "I mean, why can't you just use it to give yourself a whole bunch of money? Or better than that, puppies! I mean, why can't you?"

"Because that's evil," Satoshi said.

"Puppies are evil?"

Satoshi thought about this.

"No," he said, after a long moment, "the puppies aren't evil. But creating them for yourself is."

"Why?" Aiba asked.

"Because it's selfish."

"I wouldn't be selfish," Aiba said, very seriously. "I'd share the puppies with whoever wanted one."

"Urgh," Sho moaned, after he made the mistake of opening his eyse to look out the viewports. He immediately covered his face with his hands again.

"Well, I don't know," Satoshi finally admitted. "There's a lot of gray area."

"Maybe that's why you aren't on the Jedi Council," Sho said, but it was half-muffled by his palms, and Satoshi wasn't entirely sure he heard him correctly. He chose to ignore it anyway, and went back to the controls, 'accidentally' throwing the ship into a few tail-spins.


Darth Iniquity woke from an extremely odd dream.

It wasn't like his dreams were usually happy fun times or anything; the Force usually chose to send some very strange imagery in his direction, with some mauling and disfiguration, and occasionally the ghosts of all the people he'd force-choked to death gesturing at him in vaguely threatening manners, but even for him, it was a bit out of the usual. He sat up, hair sticking in every direction, frowning slightly into the corners of his bedroom.

There was something about a guy with a black mask, and a kid from a desert. And there had been some part about a girl in a gold bikini (that part hadn't been so bad), and bell-bottoms, and some droids. Then there was an annoying long-eared alien, and some shite about Midochlorians, and lava. There was a lot of bad dialogue, but nothing was sticking as the vestiges of the dream faded away into his subconscious again.

There was a knock on his door.

"Ni- I mean, Darth Iniquity?" came the voice. "You were yelling again."

"Sorry," Darth Iniquity said, yawning. The door opened, spilling a line of light onto the carpet, and Darth Fabulous walked in, dressed in his purple silk pajamas.

"You sure do howl in your sleep," his apprentice said. He sat down on the edge of his bed, scowling.

"Hey, Jun?" Darth Iniquity asked. "Do you think we're doing the right thing?"

"Of course not," Darth Fabulous replied. "Isn't that the point of being evil?"

Darth Iniquity was feeling pensive, so he just sighed a bit instead of flipping Force lightning at him for impertinence.

"I mean, do you think we'll be happy?" he amended.

Darth Fabulous looked thoughtful for a moment, playing with the initials monogrammed onto Darth Iniquity's bedsheets.

"Well, we do have a lot of money," he said.

"We do," Darth Iniquity agreed.

"And that's always nice," Darth Fabulous finished.

"Speaking of which, you owe me for this month's phone bill," Darth Iniquity said.

"Can't you just kill them and avoid paying this?" Darth Fabulous groaned. "The bills are astronomical."

"You know how hard it is to get good reception out here," Darth Iniquity said. He smacked his apprentice on the head with one of his satin-covered pillows. "I haven't figured out a way to rig the satellites yet."

"Fine," the other man huffed, removing the pillow from his face. "But I'm not paying for the Twi'lek sex lines again, it's one of the stormtroopers."

Darth Iniquity flopped back against the blankets again, throwing a hand over his face.

"Whatever," he muttered. "I'm tired, now."

Darth Fabulous made to leave, and paused halfway out the door.

"Night, Nino," he said.

"Change your name, Jun," Darth Iniquity replied. The door slamming was the only response.